Thursday, May 31, 2007

possessed is the new black

Hey, remember when you'd buy an action figure but the pupils were painted a little bit off so it looked psycho and possessed all the time? Mine was a plastic Alice in Wonderland purchased with my sister at Disney World in 1991. We called her Psycho Alice, and bought a "good" one to put next to her so everyone would always know how demented she was. Good Alice, Psycho Alice. Psycho Alice, Good Alice.

Psycho Model...

Nope, that's it. No Good Model.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

caped crusader

Gosh, Mr. Wilson, this new sequined man-cape sweater set sure is swell! And yet... I feel a hint of sadness for all the boys who can't have one of their very own.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

a chesticular cause

Distressed by the environmentally harmful processes used in garment production, Matt had a sweater fashioned from his own chest hair.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

oh, beehive!

"At last, the world is mine! Lord Boskeletox--careless amatuer. With my Chantilly Lace and my Mr. Sandman, I, the mighty Jukeboxia, will have the Earth under my push-button control! From the reformed hair hoppers to the ironic dirty hipsters, all will bow down before my A-side selection, and when I wish it, they will offer me their shoes, contort their bodies and scream in terror! See how they twist and shout! Dance, you fools. DANCE! Ha! No one can stop me. I'm the leader of the pack! It's my party!"

"But wait... the Flying Guitarra approaches, how delightful. Trying to be a jukebox hero, eh? Too bad she's all out of credits!"

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

it's not easy being wasabi

Well folks, it looks like it all comes down to that age old question: What happens when you eat so much wasabi that you go into a hallucinatory trance and wake up twelve days later only to discover that you've gone into business with Kermit the Frog and the Swamp Thing?

(Maybe you just wanted to keep the wasabi separate this time)

huffing and puffing (part 2)

"Man that lighting guy gets some goood shit... whoa... the lights are, like, flashing so FAST, man.... like the sun is getting it on... with a giant disco ball..."

"Oh, pepperoni Snickers pizza, why did you have to go away so soon?"

"Omigod I can't feel my chin... I have no chin! Dontfreakoutdontfreakoutdontfreakout..."

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

huffing and puffing (part 1)

"Those bitches. Who do they think they are, trying to say I've got cankles? And then they go disappear into the lighting closet together 10 minutes before walk time. I know they talk about me. Jealous whores."

"And what the hell is that smell?"

Friday, May 18, 2007

In an old house in Paris

that was covered with vines,
lived twelve lanky girls
who blew straight lines.
With two straight lines
they cut their bread,
and rubbed their teeth,
and went to many a bed.

The tallest one was Madeleine.
She was not afraid of price--
She loved mirrors, snow, and ice.

And to the tiger in the loo,
Madeleine just said, "Do two."

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

hmm, yes. quite.

JPG Menswear A/W 07

"Oh? What's that you say? Oh yes. I've certainly got it all. The sliced gloves, the turtleneck, the 'stache... I had to forever give up my mortal right to bear cheeks but just look at what I've been given in return. Since 1734 I haven't aged a day, and my hair has been perfectly preserved in all its noble, radiant glory. Oh, yes. Why, I've got three telescopes, 58 monarchies, and an entire Imperial navy under my belt. Who there dares to challenge me? I'll smite you down with my quizzical eyebrows. Who deigns to flaunt something that I do not already possess? Hmm?"

"You don't scare me, Lord Boskeletox. Let's see how your sliced gloves fare up against...

JPG Menswear A/W 07

my pleated man-skirt!"

Monday, May 14, 2007

jackets required

Sure, you can impress a date by becoming invisible, shredding wicked beats with your nunchucks, and breaking the maitre d's neck while simultaneously decorating the restaurant with romantic metal stars. But if you're not appropriately attired, you'll be right back to another saturday night eating pizza in the sewers before you can say "Cowabunga."

Hey, non-mutant ninjas need love too.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

fifth elementary, my dear watson!

John Galliano Menswear A/W 07

Now Watson, one can hardly blame this fellow for trying to hang himself. Nonetheless, it is my hypothesis that if we incinerate this creature in a massive spaceship explosion, rescue his hand from the rubble, and rebuild a new being from the genetic remains, not only will we find the motive behind this most confounding display... we'll get Milla Jovovich! What do you think? Let's invite him 'round Baker Street tomorrow and have a go, shall we? See if that Perry fellow--yes, lad with the sideburns, Dylan is it? Luke?--can pop in a cameo and do some quick charcoal renderings to chronicle the investigation. Oh, and tell him to wear his safari pants--those Jodhpurs are so hot for fall.

The Fifth Element / Columbia Pictures

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Bachelor #2

Meet Chad. Chad likes the Philharmonic, hot fudge sundaes, and short brightly lit walks to the end of the pier and back. When he's not busy fighting fires, Chad does charity work rescuing runaway metallic duvets from the cruel life of dressing porn sets, bedding in quilt shelters, and turning down for crack in the dumpster behind Spencer's Gifts.

He also brought you a puppy.

Monday, May 7, 2007

work that zygomaticus!

There comes a time in every young girl's life when she learns a very important lesson. A lesson that will shape her identity, her goals, her self-image and capacity for greatness. Today is not that day. It is, however, the day you learn that the only thing more disconcerting than a high fashion runway model is a high fashion runway model who's been instructed by the designer to smile.

Coco Rocha frightens me.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

do you haiku?

menswear flashes bits
of electric blue for fall
but where is blue steel?

(this poem is officially dedicated to flo and tone. haute fuzz salutes you.)

Saturday, May 5, 2007

get ready

...for some of the toughest high fashion law enforcement you will ever feast your grubby little toes on! Well, except maybe for the girls at gofugyourself, but come on, it's their full time job and they've got an intern. They've got celebrities dressing themselves and putting one foot in front of the other. They've got what we shudder to think as people exercising free will and then deciding it's a good idea to go get papparazzied. All I've got is hundreds and hundreds of runway models who are just following orders.

But that doesn't mean we can't still run commentary.

Stay tuned!