Tuesday, September 30, 2008

and for my next trick

I will do absolutely nothing!

John Galliano for Christian Dior S/S 09

Because only by tapping into the deepest recesses of nothingness... where the smoking embers of creativity are so dense that everything becomes dull... where the most mysterious mystique is cloaked in shadows of normality that even the most brazen of bronzers dare not face... where excitement is so pure that it becomes invisible and appears boring... and you are so overcome with breathlessness at the sight of such a magnificent masquerade that the brain becomes deprived of oxygen, and you must gasp for air in great wide yawns... Only there, through drooping eyelids, is the---

Oh, fuck it.
Just give me my flat iron.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

oh moral outrage!

Every once in awhile the Fuzz breaks away from the fantasy-world of designer runways to comment on real-world crimes of fashion. You may recall our outrage last year at Louisiana's attempted regulation of exposed boxers. And once again we must bring to your attention a community fashion scandal that is quickly becoming the talk of the town...

Hasidic Williamsburg residents are upset that female hipsters are using neighborhood bike lanes in shorts and are asking that the city close them.


Sure, they also have a number of other, relatively reasonable complaints... that bike lanes cause congestion (mostly untrue), that cyclists don't obey traffic lights (mostly true), and that the lanes pass local schools (true, but so do public streets and sidewalks). And that's all fine and dandy talk to take up with your community board. Protest away!

And to be fair, if you saw the atrocities that many hipsters in Williamsburg are wearing these days, you might not want them biking through your enclave either. But that's beside the point. When our First Amendment rights to wear high waisted metallic shorts with a really unflattering vintage blouse whilst riding a rusty vintage bike with a basket on city streets are challenged, goddammit it's time to take a stand!

So in an attempt to keep our readers informed, HF has compiled several top news sources' coverage of the debate:

Exhibit A:
The Jarusalem Post runs a run-of-the-mill, non-sensationalized story quoting a range of concerns from the Hasidic community board spokesman regarding the bike lanes.

(This will never do.)

Exhibit B:
New York Magazine's Approval Matrix sums it up in the "Highbrow/Despicable" quadrant.

Exhibit C:
The New York Post puts The Onion to shame with an actual news story.

Now where did we put those American Apparel silver lamé hot pants...?

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

chute jokes? so yesterday

OK, OK, we'll stop making fun of parachute pants. But only because we just discovered a new kind of pants. And these bad boys boast the most rewarding combination of words in the history of the English language since "cellar door."



Armand Basi One S/S 09

Named for their full banana-shaped legs, these pants are yet another even more shocking, frightening, and thus fascinating member of the Unflattering Pants dynasty. Kind of like LaToya is to the Jacksons. And we're so excited that we've written a song about them.

(to the tune of 'America the Beautiful')

Oh beautiful, for spacious seats
For flowing waves of gray,
For tapered ankle highwaters
Below the pleated waist.
Banana Pants! Banana Pants!
God washed his hands of thee
And crowned thy look
With tops he took
From Liberace

Tuesday, September 23, 2008


Dear Haute Fuzz,

I've been seeing the words "parachute pants" flying around HF quite a bit lately, along with various "chute" puns. How long do you think you can keep milking the same joke before it ceases to be funny?

Chute-ing Spree Survivor
Chillicothe, OH

Gentle reader,
You may have noticed the words "parachute pants" flying around HF quite a bit lately. Some of you may be wondering how long the words, associations, and mental images of "parachute pants" will continue to be funny. The answer to that is, of course, forever.

Fashion East: Natascha Stolle S/S 09

But we know you may have some other questions as well. Questions like:

-Where did parachute pants come from?

-Where have they been all this time?

-How will the parachute pants uprising ('Chutestorm') affect me?

-If parachute pants are so great, why haven't we heard from them in the last 20 years?

-Are the parachute pants really capable of changing fashion in our country, or will they just be more of the same outlandish designer duds?

-The parachute pants have been proven supporters of the 'Chute First' approach to foreign policy. How will they appease foreign leaders for this gross warmongering?

-We haven't seen waistlines this high since the seventies. How can the parachute pants claim they want to lower waistlines when they are so fundamentally high-waisted?

-I can't afford four more years of rising pants prices. What options will the parachute pants offer me so that I can own my own pair again without losing my shirt?

HF wants to help you, gentle readers, get through these difficult times. So we've forwarded your concerns to the parachute pants for consideration. We received the following response:

"Parachute pants have the necessary readiness. When the designers asked us to come back to such a high profile position on the runway, we didn't blink. We relate to the mom-and-pops, the good small-town Americans. And if you're still questioning our resume, let us remind you of the decades we've spent serving the real working class people of America."

Monday, September 22, 2008

chute yourself

"Hey, am I too late for the parachute pantsuit party?"

Just Cavalli S/S 09

"Well sorta, yeah. But come on over to my place, we're having a parachute pajama pants party."

Just Cavalli S/S 09

"You can't stop the parachute pants. We're taking over the world."

Friday, September 19, 2008

can't touch this

Why should you choose Jeremy Laing's parachute suit?

Jeremy Laing S/S 09

Because unlike other parachute suits that inflate over the entire body and make you look like Violet Beauregard's blueberry blob, our parachute suit is cut with wind vents on top to eliminate all that unwanted air retention. That means you stay cool as a cucumber and skinny as a skein. (A skein from which you've already knit half the sweater and you're running out of yarn and it gets all skinny and limp... you know?)

But don't take our word for it. Let's hear from a satisfied customer.

"I went to MC Hammer's Parachute Pantsuit party last week, and I was sweating a little when I got there because I was wearing a parachute skirt instead of pants. But not only did the wind vents in my Jeremy Laing parachute suit keep me dry, I caused a sensation because my parachute skirt was even bigger than the pants on the Hammer himself! Thanks Jeremy Laing!"

We know you have a choice when it comes to parachute pants, parachute suits, parachute pantsuits, and parachute jumpsuits. Thanks for chute-ing yourself with us.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

dude, are you lost?

Christian Francis Roth S/S 09

I swear I'm not staring at your crotch--does this train stop at 23rd Street?

Monday, September 15, 2008

back to school

We're sorry, readers. It's been a long grueling summer--what with using all our might to resist the addiction of Gossip Girl reruns, then finally losing our strength and giving in, and then having to catch up before the new season started. And then trying even harder to resist the soap opera of the other gossip girl, Sarah Palin. And then pondering who would win a battle of wits between Sarah Palin and Blair Waldorf...

But we survived. We're stronger for it. We're not hearing voices anymore that end everything with "XOXO." We're ready for change. Go Obama!

And now we come back ready to roll on the new collections and what to we get? A whole lot of... really nice stuff. So... tasteful... so wearable... so unshocking. The Fuzz is trying, honestly we are. But what do you do when even Marc Jacobs lives up to his hubris for once?

Talk about nipplage? Yawn.

We could rag on all that grandma crochet, but let's get real here--making doily jokes would about put us on par with US Weekly.

So let's all thank god for Betsey Johnson.

Betsey Johnson S/S 09

There just aren't enough designers out there making clothes for real women.

And by 'real women' naturally we mean pirates.