Friday, October 24, 2008

summer of blank

Let us travel back in time to the summer of 1990...

Groove was in the heart and everything was Deee-Lite-ful! Janet Jackson wanted to take us on an Escapade. Digital Underground looked like MC Hammer on crack doing the Humpty Hump and MC Hammer... well, we've already gone there. Mariah Carey had a Vision of Love, and we did too, because back then she was a brunette and we didn't know yet that once she went honey she would cease to evolve for the next two decades. We also did not anticipate Glitter. But oh yes, Summer 1990... Nothing compares to you. (How convenient, Sinead.)

That's right, dear Summer 1990... you showed us Mel Gibson's butt double in Bird on a Wire, and finally let us find out what happened to our favorite time-travelling butterfly-effecting teen heartthrob Marty McFly and his DeLorean. You answered our prayers to continue the stories of Die Hard and Robocop, and even though no one asked for them you also gave us sequels to 48 Hours, Gremlins and Young Guns. We became scared to death of spiders from Venezuela, and of being betrayed by our best friend in a plot to steal our access codes to launder some money at the bank and then having to feel up girlfriends via Whoopi Goldberg for the rest of our afterlives.

And then there was Dick Tracy. The movie... the soundtrack... Madonna... and the McDonalds scratch-off game! Having gone on a family "driving trip" that Summer O' '90, HF was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to stop at every McDonalds from Maryland to Maine, and to play the scratch-off so many times that we figured out the winning scratch for each different card (Flat Top always wins). All except one... the $25,000 instant win... We could never get The Blank.

Until now...

Martin Margiela S/S 09

At last, we have resolved our unfinished business from the beloved Summer of 1990.

Now if only they'd stop making Die Hard sequels.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

if you're man enough

Gentlemen. Which would you rather wear?

A) A skirt

G-Star S/S 09

B) Gaucho pants

G-Star S/S 09

C) This

John Galliano Menswear S/S 09

Those gaucho pants aren't looking so bad now, eh?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

a whole new world

"I'm sorry Jasmine, but if you want to meet my mother you'll have to put a top on. She doesn't approve of bare midriffs."

"But Aladdin, I don't have any full coverage tops. Even the outfit I wore for our wedding showed my stomach. Showing skin is part of my exotic appeal--you know that."

"I know... That's why I made you one from scraps I picked up at the bazaar!"

PPQ S/S 09

Friday, October 10, 2008

how do you plead?

Ladies, you have been found guilty on all counts of Fashion Murder in the First Degree, and are hereby sentenced to life in Federal Fashion Prison.

Please step forward to receive your jumpsuits.

Danielle Scutt S/S 09

Betsey Johnson S/S 09

Baby Phat S/S 09

Chloe S/S 09

John Richmond S/S 09

Max Mara S/S 09

Proenza Schouler S/S 09

May God have mercy on your souls.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

a fashion fable

HF wants to tell you a story, boys and girls, about an ant and a grasshopper.

All summer long, the grasshopper went picnic-hopping, singing songs and spinning music for the country girls with their gingham rompers and heart-shaped sunglasses as they skipped and jumped, making garlands of flowers and getting drunk off strawberry mojitos and then accidentally sitting on the flower garlands. The ant, meanwhile, also had picnic alerts delivered to his Blackberry. But instead of frolicking with the models and developing a coke habit, the ant was hard at work, stealing bits of food and taking pictures of the girls when they weren't looking.

Soon, autumn arrived, and it was time for the ant and the grasshopper to show at fashion week. The ant showed a full collection of 47 picnic-inspired looks, which got mixed reviews and were for the most part deemed well executed but unmemorable.

But the grasshopper had spent all her time frittering away, and didn't have enough designs to show...

"The third model is already walking! Where are the rest of the garments?!"

"We don't have any garments!"

"Holy perforated leather! No garments?! Whatever will we do?"

"Wait! I've got an idea! Something me and the girls used to do when we didn't have time to get dressed..."

The grasshopper grabbed some fabric.

"But shouldn't we at least belt it or something?"

"There's no time!"

"But you can see the raw edges!"

"There's no time I say. NO TIME! Go Flavia! Go Danijela! Zuzana and Eden! On Hollis! Olesya! Vika and Blitzen!"

Vivienne Westwood S/S 09

Now children, what is the moral of this story?

There is a time for work, and a time for play.
But rarely is there a good time to wear Vivienne Westwood.

Monday, October 6, 2008

anne of green brocades

MARILLA: Alright, you can go to the ball. This is all Matthew's doing, though... I wash my hands of it! If you get overheated and catch pneumonia, blame Matthew.

ANNE: Oh Marilla! I dreamt last night that I arrived at the ball in giant elephant ear sleeves, and everyone was overcome by my regal am--

MARILLA: Regal, my eye. You're dripping dirty, greasy water all over my clean floor! And if I have to listen to anymore of this, I'll just change my mind, that's what I'll do.

That evening...

ANNE: Oh! Marilla! Look what Matthew bought for me! Look at the elephant ears! They're even bigger than puffs!

MARILLA: They're ridiculous. You'll have to turn sideways to get through the door.

Dolce & Gabbana S/S 09

Twenty pounds... of brown... sugar...

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

knowing is half the battle

And now, an important message about foreign policy from Frankie Morello and Tom Jones:

Frankie Morello S/S 09

Wait a minute, Messrs Morello and Jones. There's a lump in that sugar bowl... Sex bombs not wars... Make sex bombs instead of sex wars? Have sex with bombs but not wars? Sex doesn't war, it bombs?

Perhaps 'Sex bombs not H-bombs' would have been more grammatically appropriate.

Just a suggestion.

This post is dedicated to the fabulous Jes "Stu" Todd, in hopes that she has never forgotten one Ms. Bushnell's advice to "watch out for Mr. Big's." (Mr. Big's what? Exactly.) HF salutes you!