Friday, June 29, 2007

friday: homecoming day

Don't you just hate it when your date comes to pick you up, and you've gotten him a boutonniere and everything, and then you get to the dance, and then his pants get caught in the limo door and get completely ripped off because he drank too much vodka out of the Poland Spring bottle, and then you have to fashion him some new pants using nothing but your metallic panty hose, the strap from the limo driver's fanny pack and part of a smashed disco ball lying in the parking lot?

Man, if HF had a dollar for every time that happened...

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

wednesday: opposite sex day

Opposite Sex Day? That's so 1998. Here at HFHS we have Ambiguous Gender Day.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

tuesday: hat day

Jane encountered three problems before first period:
1. The girl's bathroom was closed for re-tiling
2. Where to hide all the phony ballots for Homecoming Queen
3. She forgot to wear a hat!


Monday, June 25, 2007

spirit week at HFHS

Attention students! It's Spirit Week here at Haute Fuzz High!

Monday: Senior Portrait Day

(Drapes and tuxes will be provided)

Friday, June 22, 2007

golden phallacy

Huh? An enormous elephant trunk ending right at my cha-cha is phallic? Psssh... that's just dumbo!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Friday, June 15, 2007

come to my slumber party

We can do each other's toenails with this super cool galactic glitter nail polish I got at the mall. And we can do each other's hair! Speaking of hair, ever since we started junior high I've been noticing all this gross hair on my face and chest. Eww! But I got the lastest issue of Seventeen, and they've got a whole page on different ways to get rid of hair. Like, I got really nervous and shaved mine last week because I had to work on this project with this guy in my Algebra class who is sooooo cute and I was worried he would notice, but Seventeen says we can use bleach too! And something called waxing and depilatories. They also have all these tips for making your cleavage look bigger. We can try them all out while we watch Lost In Space! Matt LeBlanc is soooo dreamy.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

disco inferno

Ah, summertime... What better way to spend the haute days than lazing in a hammock beneath a shady tree, while a private bartender pours mojitos in one hand and lightly fans you with palm fronds in the other as he spins all your favorite groovin' 70s classics. So what's the problem? New York City is severely lacking in hammocks.

HF feels very strongly about this.

Apparently so does Rolfe, who has brought a hammock for ALL seasons...

Uh huh. That's right. Burn baby burn.

(Thanks, Rolfe, for showing your support.)

Friday, June 8, 2007

royal airness

This week HF has asked for a lot of audience participation--cooking, sing-a-longs, charitable donations--and we're going to go ahead and stick with it to close out the week.

Last night the Fuzz attended the NY Regional Finals of the US Air Guitar Championships, where we witnessed some righteous rockin', sockin', and mockin' from the likes of Bjorn Turoque, Hysteria, Shreddy Mercury, Rock Hard, a Patrick Swayze look-alike and a 65-yr-old man. And also quite a bit of absolute suckage that even the most gravity-defying mullets could not hide. Though crowd favorite and the night's winner William Ocean came ready to rock in sequins, McEnroe shorts and a white dickie, he neglected to achieve the same degree of supreme Airness we expected from him after last year's US Finals somersaulting, can-crushing, crowd-surfing, AIR shaved into his chest, "should've won" performance against Hot Lixx Houlihan:

Now that's air! The 2007 National Championships are in August and I don't know about you, but Sally here wants to compete:

She's got the hair, she's got the leather, she's got the stock and she's ready to rock. But before she can unzip that jacket and bust into her full Airness potential, she needs the perfect Air name... Roxey Lady? Van Hair-len? Mrs. Rockwell? Aquanet? She can't decide.

So while she's thinking about it, tell us yours!

(click on 'comments' to rock our socks with your most excellent airness)

Thursday, June 7, 2007

everybody sing!

I love Cheesy Poofs

You love Cheesy Poofs

If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs

We'd be...


Wednesday, June 6, 2007

won't you help the children?

You've said "no" by changing the channel. You've said "no" by leaving the room. But desperate child models everywhere need your help. For less than the cost of a Starbucks Venti Orange Mocha Frappuccino per day, you can sponsor your very own child model. Every month you'll receive a press kit including:
  • A hand-typed letter from your child model's agent or publicist
  • A photo of him or her sporting the latest in spandex, ruffles, and glitter
  • A list of your child model's current height, weight, clothing and shoe sizes
Below you'll see just a few examples of what happens to child models who do not get the help they need. But be warned, the images you are about to see may disturb you.

So please, find it in your heart to help the child models.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

cooking with the fuzz

  • 3 cups cornstarch
  • 1 1/2 cups flour
  • 2 tsp garlic salt
  • 2 tsp paprika
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 1 tsp pepper
  • 48 oz beer
  • Seasoned Flour*
  • Oil for deep frying
  • 4 to 6 colossal onions, 4-inch diameter or larger

Alexander McQueen A/W 07

To make batter, mix cornstarch, flour and seasonings until well-blended. Add 24 oz beer; mix well. Set aside. Pour remaining 24 oz beer into a chilled mug. Drink as needed. For each onion, cut about 3/4-inch off the top of the onion; peel onion. With cut side of the onion up, cut into the onion, top to bottom, to form 12 to 16 pie-shaped wedges which will become the "petals" but do NOT cut through the bottom (root end) of the onion. Using a paring knife, cut off the "petals" in the center of the onion (about a 1-inch diameter circle). Do not cut a hole through the onion.

Dip cut onion into seasoned flour and remove excess by shaking. Stir beer batter, then dip floured onion into batter and remove excess by gently shaking. Holding onion upright, separate "petals" to coat thoroughly with batter. Heat oil in deep fat fryer or deep saucepan to 375 to 400 F. Your container should never be more than half full of oil. There should be enough oil to cover the onion and to allow the onion to move freely in the saucepan. Do not allow the fat to smoke. The models may be allowed to smoke, but only to avoid getting fat.

Gently place onion in the fryer basket or other wire frying basket. Deep-fry for 1 1/2 minutes. Turn over and fry 1 to 1 1/2 minutes longer or until golden brown. Drain on paper towels. Place onion upright in shallow bowl and cut out root end with a circular cutter or apple corer. Serve hot with Creamy Chili Sauce** and thigh-high leather boots. (You can place a small bowl of sauce in the center of the onion. You can place the toe of the boots in the center of someone's ass if they don't bring you another 24 oz of beer.)

*Seasoned Flour: Combine 2 cups flour, 4 tsp paprika, 2 tsp garlic powder, 1/2 tsp pepper and 1/4 tsp cayenne pepper; mix well.

**Creamy Chili Sauce: Combine 1 cup each mayonnaise and dairy sour cream, 1/4 cup chili sauce and 1/4 tsp cayenne pepper; mix well. Makes 2 1/4 cups.

Alexander McQueen A/W 07

Always use caution when deep-frying fashion. The oil is very haute!

Recipe fuzzed from the National Onion Association via

Monday, June 4, 2007

et tu, brute?

He looks so confused... so distressed... tortured from the inside, yet determined to grit his teeth and bear the pain with dignity. Like someone he loved has deeply betrayed him. Like someone he trusted has got his balls in a vice. I ask you, what sick tragedy could possibly have befallen this gentle lad?