Monday, November 26, 2007

seasonal whine list

I cannot believe they dressed me in sand. Did they not get the memo that I don't do drab? And what's with this vest thing--it don't show my cleavage at all. And could my hair be any flatter? It's bad enough Chad smoked my last cigarette, even though I told him I was saving it for breakfast. Yeah, I'll stand here.

My agent is so getting a phone call.

Hey how come he gets a kimono?

I miss my puppy.

Monday, November 19, 2007

feeling plucky?

Turkeys have over 5,000 feathers, and someone has to pluck 'em! Here are a few tips of the pluckery trade HF has picked up:

  • It is easier to remove the feathers if the bird is dipped in hot water (between 140 degrees and boiling). Once a bird has been sufficiently dunked in hot water, not only will the feathers come off much easier, they will also be easier to handle when damp, since they won't fly around the room and land in your hair.

  • A large washtub is best for dipping the bird. If you do not live on a farm or in the 18th Century and a large washtub is not available, you'll have to improvise. Bathtub perhaps? Jacuzzi? Washing machine? An afternoon in the Turkish bath house? Sure, why not. Let us know how it goes.
  • The large primary wing feathers can be a problem, so it is recommended that you remove the entire wing at the first joint. Then instead of wasting valuable time plucking out those large primary feathers, you can put the wings to better use.

  • After plucking, there still may be small hair-like feathers left on the bird. Burn these off with a match or, for optimal stress relief, a blowtorch.
  • Try not to confuse your relatives with the turkey.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

oh crafty fräulein

"Frau Schmidt? Do you think the Captain would get me some more material? I want to make the children some play clothes."

"The Von Trapp children don't play, they march."

"That's so sad. Are you sure I can't change his mind with a few musical numbers?"

"I'm afraid not--he runs the house like one of his ships. And no, it's not that kind of navy. But anyway Maria, how do you like your room? We'll be ordering new towels for the bathroom."

"New towels? But these are fine."

"Nevertheless, new ones have been ordered."


"Excuse me, Frau Schmidt? Do you think the Captain would order new drapes for the windows too?"

Thursday, November 8, 2007

and for my next trick

I will orbit Uranus!

Because only in the far reaches of deep space, among the cosmos and New Black holes and hand tooled Italian leathers of Orion's belt... where feathered locks are not weighed down by gravity, and creativity is not saddened by the gravity of gravity, and there are no gravitous faces, or actual gravitousness... where free spirits can float freely, and even the frizziest of fros retains its pompadour swirls... only there are the true meanings, in secret Uranian code, of my fashion revealed.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

headbangers and mash

"Forget it, Mom! I'm not going to be a stupid debutante! I hate you! And I'm not going back to school either! It's my life! I'm running away to join Shredder's Foot Clan and you can't stop me! And if I wanna listen to angsty screamo punk rock and headbang and make mashed potatoes while I headbang then that's what I'm gonna do!"

"Hey can Lisa stay for dinner?"