fall collections, we have a winner!

Congratulations to Michael Kors for eliciting the first official Fuzz of the new fall 2011 season! What, you might ask, garnered Mr. Kors this honor?

The criterion was simple...

 

Michael Kors A/W 11

It made us go "UHH." 

(Plus now we can't stop thinking about drumsticks.)

closing remarks

You have now seen but a small sampling of odious offenses the Dynasty of Unflattering Pants has thus far committed on the female form. You have seen the Unflattering Pants perform  vicious attacks on human dignity, and grave humiliations, even on children. These were not isolated or sporadic events, but carefully coordinated as part of a wide practice of atrocious trends for spring 2011. And you have seen them condoned by Style.com, an internationally respected authority on fashion. 

If there remain any doubts in your mind as to the damage that will continue if you allow the Unflattering Pants to go forth unhindered, HF offers one final plea for your consideration:

Next year, this could be you.

 

Street fashion by Anthea Simms S/S 11

exhibit e: no one is safe

We deeply regret having to show this lime green metallic horror being inflicted upon a young, helpless child.

 

Mona Lisa S/S 11

exhibit d: it gets worse

 

Ashish S/S 11

These hammer pants are not only sequined AND leopard print, but adorned with foot-long fringe trim.

exhibit c: parachute shorts

 

 Commuun S/S 11

Let the record show that this atrocity keeps its wearer in a perpetual state of wedgie humiliation.

the horror continues

Exhibit B: This widespread collection of diapers for spring 2011.

Marc by Marc Jacobs S/S 11

PPQ S/S 11

Michael Kors S/S 11

Daks S/S 11 

 

 

Topshop Unique S/S 11

Let the record show that not only are these briefs being pushed in such offensive fabrics as shiny silk, they are also turning up in chunky sweater versions. Let the record also show that yes, that is camel-toe.

please, stop the horror

Ladies and gentlemen,

We are here to present you with a grave reality... that the stylish world as we know it is currently under attack from an evil and widespread terrorist organization: the Dynasty of Unflattering Pants. The threat has been growing for more than a year now, and no longer we can stand idly by while the female form is so heinously affronted. This Dynasty of Unflattering Pants is being charged with severe crimes against humanity.

Let us remind everyone that crimes against humanity, as defined by the Rome Statute of the International Criminal Court Explanatory Memorandum, "are particularly odious offenses in that they constitute a serious attack on human dignity or grave humiliation or a degradation of one or more human beings. They are not isolated or sporadic events, but are part either of a government policy or of a wide practice of atrocities tolerated or condoned by a government or a de facto authority."

Over the course of the coming posts, you will be presented with alarming evidence that these Unflattering Pants are not isolated occurrences, nor innocent individuals acting under their own personal will. The Dynasty of Unflattering Pants is receiving funding, production assistance, and prolific media support from respected world fashion authorities.

HF has spent the last several months collecting evidence in this most serious matter. We do not seek to use shock tactics, but the truth is that the images you are going to see may shock you. They may disgust you.

First, we present you with the Style.com 'Look of the Day' from November 22, 2010, presented under the heading 'Who wore it well?'

Style.com

Let the record show that the answer to that question is "No one."

fuzzin' in the rain

A beautiful girl... is like a great work of art. She's stylish! She's chic! And she also is smaaaaaaart.


For lounging in her boudoir, this simple plain pajama.

Marc Jacobs S/S 11

Her cloak is trimmed with monkey fur, to lend a dash of drama.

 

Chanel A/W 10

Anyone for tennis? Well, this'll make 'em cringe!

Lacoste S/S 11

And you'll knock 'em dead at dinner, if your uni-boob just drips with fringe!

Pierre Cardin S/S 11

there's something about these hats

We can't help but wonder if Angela Missoni has been watching a lot of The Flying Nun lately.

Missoni S/S 11

the 'it' menorah

HF doesn't usually do this, but we couldn't resist sharing this email we just received from Barneys.

Because really, nothing says 'trendy' like observing a 5,771 year old tradition.

caution: may cause bunching

Oh man, don't you just haaaate when you go to the ladies room and no one tells you there's a piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe?

It's almost as bad as no one telling you your skirt is tucked into your underwear.

Paul Costelloe S/S 11

See, this is why girls don't go to the bathroom alone.

ah, lina, you look lovely!

Moncler S/S 11

 
Gee, this hat and goggles weigh a ton. What dope would wear a thing like this?

Everybody used to wear them, Lina.

Well then everybody was a dope!

well that explains a lot

 
Now, just so we're clear...

Michael Kors S/S 11

This is a burlap sack accessorized by platform Birkenstocks and chunky wool hiking socks.




By Michael Kors.




That's Birkenstocks with socks.




With SOCKS.

Michael Kors S/S 11

So, when you said that Gretchen's collection was "where fashion is going," what you really meant was, this is where Michael Kors is going. 

Because we're pretty sure fashion isn't going to spend the summer baking whole wheat bread at an AMC mountain hut.

Michael, that means you're out.


Please leave the runway.



Here's a burlap sack to put your things in.

Michael Kors S/S 11

fo' sho-lo

Here at HF we're big fans of the mullet. Bigger than Tina Turner's hair big. Bigger than Hulk Hogan's hulk big! If you're not familiar with the classic literary masterpiece The Mullet: Hairstyle of the Gods, do yourself a favor and get thee to a bookery! In this thoughtful portrait, you'll learn about such rockin' styles as: the Hello Cleveland, the Kentucky Waterfall, the Blade Runner, the Relief Pitcher, the Holy Roller, and (our personal favorite) the Tailored Mohican.

All the better to appreciate this Bi-Level Weekend Warrior Shlong sweater!

Business in the front...

Christopher Shannon S/S 11

Christopher Shannon S/S 11

... party in the back!

halloween parade!

This year's HF Halloween Parade is brought to you by Jeremy Scott. Without him, we wouldn't be half the Fuzz we are today--especially now that fashion is taking a turn for the minimal. So grab a seat and some Smarties and get ready for some spectacular spectating!

Oh look, there's our first Lady Gaga of the day!  

Jeremy Scott S/S 11

Can't go wrong with a good cold cut. Maybe we can *meat* up later.

Hey look, it's a can-can girl!

Jeremy Scott S/S 11

Hmm, looks like she could use a beer cozy.

Who's that coming this way? 

Why, it's a ticket stub!

Jeremy Scott S/S 11 

Poor guy. Someone's been used.

Up next... Ooh!   It's...   uh...     well...

It's Tom Cruise in Risky Business, only the hookers have stolen his white shirt and he's been forced to fashion a top out of a shopping bag!

Jeremy Scott S/S 11 

On second thought, that might just be another Gaga.

And last but not least...

Jeremy Scott S/S 11

The Institutionalization of Marriage.

Happy Halloween from Haute Fuzz! 

May your hair be huge, 

your costumes be clever, 

and your sugar intake worthy of a diabetic coma.

wanna get highlighters?

Back in October 1989, HF decided to dress up as a punk rocker for Halloween. The costume consisted of black leggings, a white t-shirt with some holes cut in it, and three colors of neon hairspray. We also used the hairspray to paint some neon spots on the t-shirt. It totally rocked the second grade.

We suspect the same technique may have been applied here...

Betsey Johnson S/S 11

It's that or highlighters.

doctor! it's horrible!

Good morning Karmen, what seems to be the problem?

There's a growth on my chest!

I'm sorry, did you say a... growth?

Yes, doctor, a growth! A barnacle like growth! On my chest!

OK, well let's just stay calm here. Why don't you take off your jacket and we'll have a look.

Jason Wu S/S 11

Oh my. That is barnacle like.

couldn't escape if i wanted to

Topshop Unique S/S 11

We'd love to come up with something witty and fabulous for you right now, but we're currently struck with an inexplicable urge to go watch Muriel's Wedding and listen to ABBA.

ode to water wings

Marc Jacobs S/S 11

(to the tune of 'America the Beautiful' and 'Ode to Banana Pants')

O beautiful, for spacious sleeves
For blown up blobs embraced
For purple puffs of taffeta
And blooms that eat your face

O water wings! O water wings!
We'll stay afloat with thee
Else swimming in this table skirt
Would end in tragedy

a scandalous baking adventure

True story:

Last month HF was recovering from Paris fashion mania with a brief stopover in the English countryside, when we learned that our visit was to coincide with a time-honored village tradition... the Shoreham Horticultural & Allotment Garden (SHAG) Society show. A SHAG show! At last, the opportunity to re-enact Helen Mirren's acceptance speech from Calendar Girls!

Much to our delight, HF's very talented sister was poised to enter no less than fifteen categories. Fancy breads! Stone fruit jams! Heaviest pumpkin! Sausage rolls!

HF was charged with the task of handling the cheesecake entry. So we did what any self respecting New Yorker would do. We harassed the best cheesecake baker we knew for a recipe. The problem: the recipe called for a ten-inch pan. We had only a seven-inch.

Sacrebleu! So much cheesecake filling! What was a baking apprentice to do? Why, make more cheesecakes of course! We filled a pie pan, an oblong baking dish, any vessel that would hold wafer crumble crust and chocolate cheesey goodness!

But wait, there's more. The show piece cooled with a very large crack on top. Great Jeremy Scott! A crack! Good thing we had all those extra cakes! We performed a delicate surgical graft, transplanting a sliver from one of the back-up cakes to patch the surface of the money maker.

Which is how we ended up with this thing that looks rather like a vagina.

Now, Marchesa, what's your excuse?



Marchesa S/S 11