ahoy!

Betsey Johnson S/S 09

Yo ho ho, mateys! Today I shall score the most treasured of treasures in the land! A magnificent haul! A bountiful booty! And then we shall embark for our month-long cruise to Treasure Island and the South Seas, where we shall pillage and plunder even more booty! Yarrrr, my sweet. Nothing can tarnish the splendor of this day!

GASP! The Black Spot!

Martin Margiela S/S 09

haute roll-up

Minions! Get me the biggest Fruit Roll-Up you can find!





Bigger!






Bigger!





BIGGERRRRRRRR!

Vivienne Westwood S/S 09


Now that's more like it.

little versailles on the prairie

Jeremy Scott S/S 09

Oh Pa, have we really got our very own tea cups?

paging ruffle magic barbie

Will the owner of a pink Corvette convertible please report to the concierge station? Your car is being towed.



Roksanda Ilincic S/S 09

fringe binge

Baby Phat S/S 09

If you're here for the Thanksgiving pageant, Pocahontas has already been cast... but auditions for the Apache video are in studio 3.

art imitating life imitating dow

Some say high fashion is out of touch with reality. How then, do you explain the Prada spring show imitating the American stock market over the last two months? And when the collection presented in September, the worst of it hadn't even happened yet. Oh Miuccia... first men's halter tops and now this... always the forward thinker!

Sep 19: Market unstable. Everyone is watching.



Sept 22-26: Market tumbles. Tries to catch itself.



Sept 29: Can't recover. Crash.



Sept 30: Wait, there's talk of a bailout, it's getting back up.



Oct 1: Dow only dropped 20 points today. A bailout's in the works.
We can do this!



Oct 2: Market plummets again.
Government arms desperately fighting for bailout.



Oct 3: Second attempt at government bailout approved.


Market continues to plummet anyway.

this is your brain.

This is your brain on drugs...

Bernard Willhelm S/S 09

This is your face the morning after your brain was on drugs, because you passed out and everyone else found a package of freezer-burned hot dogs and some Sharpies...

Any questions?

yes we did!

Jean-Charles de Castelbajac S/S 09


YES!

summer of blank

Let us travel back in time to the summer of 1990...

Groove was in the heart and everything was Deee-Lite-ful! Janet Jackson wanted to take us on an Escapade. Digital Underground looked like MC Hammer on crack doing the Humpty Hump and MC Hammer... well, we've already gone there. Mariah Carey had a Vision of Love, and we did too, because back then she was a brunette and we didn't know yet that once she went honey she would cease to evolve for the next two decades. We also did not anticipate Glitter. But oh yes, Summer 1990... Nothing compares to you. (How convenient, Sinead.)

That's right, dear Summer 1990... you showed us Mel Gibson's butt double in Bird on a Wire, and finally let us find out what happened to our favorite time-travelling butterfly-effecting teen heartthrob Marty McFly and his DeLorean. You answered our prayers to continue the stories of Die Hard and Robocop, and even though no one asked for them you also gave us sequels to 48 Hours, Gremlins and Young Guns. We became scared to death of spiders from Venezuela, and of being betrayed by our best friend in a plot to steal our access codes to launder some money at the bank and then having to feel up girlfriends via Whoopi Goldberg for the rest of our afterlives.

And then there was Dick Tracy. The movie... the soundtrack... Madonna... and the McDonalds scratch-off game! Having gone on a family "driving trip" that Summer O' '90, HF was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to stop at every McDonalds from Maryland to Maine, and to play the scratch-off so many times that we figured out the winning scratch for each different card (Flat Top always wins). All except one... the $25,000 instant win... We could never get The Blank.

Until now...

Martin Margiela S/S 09


At last, we have resolved our unfinished business from the beloved Summer of 1990.

Now if only they'd stop making Die Hard sequels.

if you're man enough

Gentlemen. Which would you rather wear?



A) A skirt

G-Star S/S 09

B) Gaucho pants

G-Star S/S 09

C) This

John Galliano Menswear S/S 09


Those gaucho pants aren't looking so bad now, eh?

a whole new world

"I'm sorry Jasmine, but if you want to meet my mother you'll have to put a top on. She doesn't approve of bare midriffs."

"But Aladdin, I don't have any full coverage tops. Even the outfit I wore for our wedding showed my stomach. Showing skin is part of my exotic appeal--you know that."

"I know... That's why I made you one from scraps I picked up at the bazaar!"

PPQ S/S 09

how do you plead?

Ladies, you have been found guilty on all counts of Fashion Murder in the First Degree, and are hereby sentenced to life in Federal Fashion Prison.

Please step forward to receive your jumpsuits.

Danielle Scutt S/S 09

Betsey Johnson S/S 09


Baby Phat S/S 09


Chloe S/S 09


John Richmond S/S 09


Max Mara S/S 09


Proenza Schouler S/S 09


May God have mercy on your souls.

a fashion fable

HF wants to tell you a story, boys and girls, about an ant and a grasshopper.

All summer long, the grasshopper went picnic-hopping, singing songs and spinning music for the country girls with their gingham rompers and heart-shaped sunglasses as they skipped and jumped, making garlands of flowers and getting drunk off strawberry mojitos and then accidentally sitting on the flower garlands. The ant, meanwhile, also had picnic alerts delivered to his Blackberry. But instead of frolicking with the models and developing a coke habit, the ant was hard at work, stealing bits of food and taking pictures of the girls when they weren't looking.

Soon, autumn arrived, and it was time for the ant and the grasshopper to show at fashion week. The ant showed a full collection of 47 picnic-inspired looks, which got mixed reviews and were for the most part deemed well executed but unmemorable.

But the grasshopper had spent all her time frittering away, and didn't have enough designs to show...

"The third model is already walking! Where are the rest of the garments?!"

"We don't have any garments!"

"Holy perforated leather! No garments?! Whatever will we do?"

"Wait! I've got an idea! Something me and the girls used to do when we didn't have time to get dressed..."

The grasshopper grabbed some fabric.

"But shouldn't we at least belt it or something?"

"There's no time!"

"But you can see the raw edges!"

"There's no time I say. NO TIME! Go Flavia! Go Danijela! Zuzana and Eden! On Hollis! Olesya! Vika and Blitzen!"

Vivienne Westwood S/S 09

Now children, what is the moral of this story?

There is a time for work, and a time for play.
But rarely is there a good time to wear Vivienne Westwood.

anne of green brocades

MARILLA: Alright, you can go to the ball. This is all Matthew's doing, though... I wash my hands of it! If you get overheated and catch pneumonia, blame Matthew.

ANNE: Oh Marilla! I dreamt last night that I arrived at the ball in giant elephant ear sleeves, and everyone was overcome by my regal am--

MARILLA: Regal, my eye. You're dripping dirty, greasy water all over my clean floor! And if I have to listen to anymore of this, I'll just change my mind, that's what I'll do.


That evening...


ANNE: Oh! Marilla! Look what Matthew bought for me! Look at the elephant ears! They're even bigger than puffs!

MARILLA: They're ridiculous. You'll have to turn sideways to get through the door.

Dolce & Gabbana S/S 09

Twenty pounds... of brown... sugar...

don't take the acid, frodo!

Roberto Cavalli S/S 09


Too late.

knowing is half the battle

And now, an important message about foreign policy from Frankie Morello and Tom Jones:

Frankie Morello S/S 09

Wait a minute, Messrs Morello and Jones. There's a lump in that sugar bowl... Sex bombs not wars... Make sex bombs instead of sex wars? Have sex with bombs but not wars? Sex doesn't war, it bombs?

Perhaps 'Sex bombs not H-bombs' would have been more grammatically appropriate.

Just a suggestion.

This post is dedicated to the fabulous Jes "Stu" Todd, in hopes that she has never forgotten one Ms. Bushnell's advice to "watch out for Mr. Big's." (Mr. Big's what? Exactly.) HF salutes you!

and for my next trick

I will do absolutely nothing!



John Galliano for Christian Dior S/S 09

Because only by tapping into the deepest recesses of nothingness... where the smoking embers of creativity are so dense that everything becomes dull... where the most mysterious mystique is cloaked in shadows of normality that even the most brazen of bronzers dare not face... where excitement is so pure that it becomes invisible and appears boring... and you are so overcome with breathlessness at the sight of such a magnificent masquerade that the brain becomes deprived of oxygen, and you must gasp for air in great wide yawns... Only there, through drooping eyelids, is the---

Oh, fuck it.

Just give me my flat iron.

oh moral outrage!

Every once in awhile the Fuzz breaks away from the fantasy-world of designer runways to comment on real-world crimes of fashion. You may recall our outrage last year at Louisiana's attempted regulation of exposed boxers. And once again we must bring to your attention a community fashion scandal that is quickly becoming the talk of the town...

Hasidic Williamsburg residents are upset that female hipsters are using neighborhood bike lanes in shorts and are asking that the city close them.

GASP!

Sure, they also have a number of other, relatively reasonable complaints... that bike lanes cause congestion (mostly untrue), that cyclists don't obey traffic lights (mostly true), and that the lanes pass local schools (true, but so do public streets and sidewalks). And that's all fine and dandy talk to take up with your community board. Protest away!

And to be fair, if you saw the atrocities that many hipsters in Williamsburg are wearing these days, you might not want them biking through your enclave either. But that's beside the point. When our First Amendment rights to wear high waisted metallic shorts with a really unflattering vintage blouse whilst riding a rusty vintage bike with a basket on city streets are challenged, goddammit it's time to take a stand!

So in an attempt to keep our readers informed, HF has compiled several top news sources' coverage of the debate:


Exhibit A:
The Jarusalem Post runs a run-of-the-mill, non-sensationalized story quoting a range of concerns from the Hasidic community board spokesman regarding the bike lanes.

(This will never do.)

Exhibit B:
New York Magazine's Approval Matrix sums it up in the "Highbrow/Despicable" quadrant.

Exhibit C:
The New York Post puts The Onion to shame with an actual news story.




Now where did we put those American Apparel silver lamé hot pants...?

chute jokes? so yesterday

OK, OK, we'll stop making fun of parachute pants. But only because we just discovered a new kind of pants. And these bad boys boast the most rewarding combination of words in the history of the English language since "cellar door."

Introducing...

BANANA PANTS!

Armand Basi One S/S 09

Named for their full banana-shaped legs, these pants are yet another even more shocking, frightening, and thus fascinating member of the Unflattering Pants dynasty. Kind of like LaToya is to the Jacksons. And we're so excited that we've written a song about them.

ODE TO BANANA PANTS
(to the tune of 'America the Beautiful')

Oh beautiful, for spacious seats
For flowing waves of gray,
For tapered ankle highwaters
Below the pleated waist.
Banana Pants! Banana Pants!
God washed his hands of thee
And crowned thy look
With tops he took
From Liberace

chutestorm

Dear Haute Fuzz,

I've been seeing the words "parachute pants" flying around HF quite a bit lately, along with various "chute" puns. How long do you think you can keep milking the same joke before it ceases to be funny?

Sincerely,
Chute-ing Spree Survivor
Chillicothe, OH

Gentle reader,
You may have noticed the words "parachute pants" flying around HF quite a bit lately. Some of you may be wondering how long the words, associations, and mental images of "parachute pants" will continue to be funny. The answer to that is, of course, forever.

Fashion East: Natascha Stolle S/S 09

But we know you may have some other questions as well. Questions like:

-Where did parachute pants come from?

-Where have they been all this time?

-How will the parachute pants uprising ('Chutestorm') affect me?

-If parachute pants are so great, why haven't we heard from them in the last 20 years?

-Are the parachute pants really capable of changing fashion in our country, or will they just be more of the same outlandish designer duds?

-The parachute pants have been proven supporters of the 'Chute First' approach to foreign policy. How will they appease foreign leaders for this gross warmongering?

-We haven't seen waistlines this high since the seventies. How can the parachute pants claim they want to lower waistlines when they are so fundamentally high-waisted?

-I can't afford four more years of rising pants prices. What options will the parachute pants offer me so that I can own my own pair again without losing my shirt?

HF wants to help you, gentle readers, get through these difficult times. So we've forwarded your concerns to the parachute pants for consideration. We received the following response:

"Parachute pants have the necessary readiness. When the designers asked us to come back to such a high profile position on the runway, we didn't blink. We relate to the mom-and-pops, the good small-town Americans. And if you're still questioning our resume, let us remind you of the decades we've spent serving the real working class people of America."

chute yourself

"Hey, am I too late for the parachute pantsuit party?"

Just Cavalli S/S 09

"Well sorta, yeah. But come on over to my place, we're having a parachute pajama pants party."

Just Cavalli S/S 09

"You can't stop the parachute pants. We're taking over the world."

can't touch this

Why should you choose Jeremy Laing's parachute suit?

Jeremy Laing S/S 09

Because unlike other parachute suits that inflate over the entire body and make you look like Violet Beauregard's blueberry blob, our parachute suit is cut with wind vents on top to eliminate all that unwanted air retention. That means you stay cool as a cucumber and skinny as a skein. (A skein from which you've already knit half the sweater and you're running out of yarn and it gets all skinny and limp... you know?)


But don't take our word for it. Let's hear from a satisfied customer.


"I went to MC Hammer's Parachute Pantsuit party last week, and I was sweating a little when I got there because I was wearing a parachute skirt instead of pants. But not only did the wind vents in my Jeremy Laing parachute suit keep me dry, I caused a sensation because my parachute skirt was even bigger than the pants on the Hammer himself! Thanks Jeremy Laing!"


We know you have a choice when it comes to parachute pants, parachute suits, parachute pantsuits, and parachute jumpsuits. Thanks for chute-ing yourself with us.

dude, are you lost?

Christian Francis Roth S/S 09

I swear I'm not staring at your crotch--does this train stop at 23rd Street?

back to school

We're sorry, readers. It's been a long grueling summer--what with using all our might to resist the addiction of Gossip Girl reruns, then finally losing our strength and giving in, and then having to catch up before the new season started. And then trying even harder to resist the soap opera of the other gossip girl, Sarah Palin. And then pondering who would win a battle of wits between Sarah Palin and Blair Waldorf...

But we survived. We're stronger for it. We're not hearing voices anymore that end everything with "XOXO." We're ready for change. Go Obama!

And now we come back ready to roll on the new collections and what to we get? A whole lot of... really nice stuff. So... tasteful... so wearable... so unshocking. The Fuzz is trying, honestly we are. But what do you do when even Marc Jacobs lives up to his hubris for once?

Talk about nipplage? Yawn.

We could rag on all that grandma crochet, but let's get real here--making doily jokes would about put us on par with US Weekly.

So let's all thank god for Betsey Johnson.

Betsey Johnson S/S 09

There just aren't enough designers out there making clothes for real women.

And by 'real women' naturally we mean pirates.

Yarrr.

a holiday questionnaire

Before embarking on your exciting 4th of July holiday weekend, please take a minute and answer TRUE or FALSE to the following statements:

_____ I get easily sunburned.

_____ I experience irritation when sand and other debris blows into my eyes.

_____ I feel embarrassed by the way I look in a bikini or banana hammock.

_____ I don't like anyone to see me eat.

_____ Mosquitoes ignore my friends and go straight for me.

_____ I am constantly threatened by bees, yellow jackets, wasps, hornets, dragonflies, mating dragonflies, butterflies, fireflies and other flying insects.

_____ I like to dress up like a beekeeper.

_____ I like to dress up like a tent.

_____ Birds like to perch and poop on my head.

_____ I frequent the same beach and park locations as persons of whom I are legally forbidden to be within 100 yards and risk arrest if identified.

_____ I cover my Phillipa Gregory, Catherine Coulter, Nicholas Sparks, and latest Oprah's Book Club selections in dust jackets stolen from the Proust section of my local bookstore.

_____ I can't seem to find a hat that is big enough.





If you answered TRUE to at least one of these statements, then Cynthia Rowley's Personal Tent Hat is for you!

Cynthia Rowley Resort 09



Coming soon: Double Occupancy Personal Tent Hat

couple number 100!

Oh Fernando, my ravishing raven friend... I know that I should be honored to walk the Haute Fuzz 100th post. There's something in the air tonight, the stars are bright... And yet, I feel strangely empty... Now that I have fulfilled my greatest desire, what else is there to live for? I am left a girl without a dream... A warrior without a foe... A maritime explorer in the era of satellite video feed...

What's that Fernando?






How many of whose friends had to die to make my hat?





John Galliano A/W 08


I don't believe I like where this conversation is going.